For some reason, these recurring questions about how I am feeling strike me as quite silly. Perhaps I react this way because even after the umpteenth ask, I am still unprepared to answer. Maybe it’s because I’m not quite sure after all these delays that it’s even real anymore.
I don’t particularly like to use other people’s words. I tend to believe in my own descriptive abilities. But it really seems that I can’t get my answers to the how-do-you-feel question quite right. So I will settle for an excerpt from Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides (great book, by the way). The first time I read this, I had to write it down because it fit my life perfectly. Now I return to it at another time filled with intense, conflicting emotions.
“Emotions, in my experience, aren’t covered by single words. I don’t believe in “sadness,” “joy,” or “regret.” Maybe the best proof that the language is patriarchal is that it oversimplies feeling. I’d like to have at my disposal complicated hybrid emotions, Germanic train-car constructions like, say, “the happiness that attends disaster.” Or: “the disappointment of sleeping with one’s fantasy.” I’d like to show how “intimations of mortality brought on by aging family members” connects with “the hatred of mirrors that begins in middle age.” I’d like to have a word for “the sadness inspired by failing restaurants” as well as for “the excitement of getting a room with a minibar.” I’ve never had the right words to describe my life, and now that I’ve entered my story, I need them more than ever. I can’t just sit back and watch from a distance anymore.”
All that said, if you asked how I feel at this very moment, I might answer that it’s as if I’m not quite in my own body. I’ve been functioning with a medium-level hum of excitement for a long while now. I have been waiting for so so long. Tomorrow, I’m going. I could turn cartwheels. But there are moments when I’m overcome with the intense feeling that I’m about to throw up.
I’m about as ready as I’ll n/ever be, right? Here goes…
Until next time, just remember: No news is good news.